This post goes under the category of Just For Fun, or alternately, Time Suck. I came across the website for Book: The Sequel which was a project to create a book comprised of readers’ ideas for first lines of (unwritten) sequels to famous books. This may have been big in 2009 when it was being compiled, but it’s the first I’ve seen of it. I spent time reading through some of the hilarious submissions, and trying to come up with a few of my own. Below are some examples from the website, and you can go here to view more. How funny or clever they are depends on how familiar you are with the book being spoofed, but I picked a few that I liked:

Big Sister was everywhere, and she was always on the phone.—from 1985 (sequel to 1984 by George Orwell)

Where’s Papa going with that Ethernet cable?—from Charlotte’s Web Site (sequel to Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White)

After all these years I spent becoming a wizard, you would think I would know a spell that would allow me to sleep all night without getting up every two hours to go to the bathroom. —From Harry Potter: Escape from Hogwarts Retirement Village (sequel to Harry Potter Series by J. K. Rowling) Submitted by Adam Coates

In the late summer of that year, we started out with 5 sets of bicep curls and then moved on to weighted tricep dips.—from A Farewell to Flabby Arms (sequel to A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway)

Rosy-fingered dawn my ass: I’ve got f-ing RSI and Mr. World-Traveler won’t get his ass off the couch to lend a hand around here. —From Penelope’s Pissed (sequel to The Odyssey by Homer) Submitted by Anonymous

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a married woman in possession of a wealthy husband, must be in want of a divorce. —From Shame and Shamelessness (sequel to Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen) Submitted by Ben Heller

We need a few more ribs.—from The Bible: For BBQ Lovers (sequel to The Bible by Unknown)

At night, I would lie in bed under my net, dreaming of blood. —From The Secret Life of Mosquitos: A Vampire Thriller (sequel to The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd) Submitted by Annie Scott, Writer, New York City

As it turned out, Rhett did give a damn. —From Back with the Breeze (sequel to Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell) Submitted by Shelby Sadler, Editor/Writer, Rockville, MD

Three fish, four fish, here’s some more fish, black fish, gray fish, catfish, crayfish, this one’s got a big cigar, this one’s drinking in the bar, what very naughty fish they are. —From the sequel to One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss Submitted by Carol Schneck, Bookseller, Okemos, MI

“WUU2? NMH” Me Alex & 3 BFFS Jaden Caden & Trip mkg plans 2nite TTUL bro PAW. —From A Digital Orange (sequel to A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess) Submitted by Laura Martineau, Grant Writer, Connecticut

One morning, as an intrusion of cockroaches awoke anxiously from a collective dream, it discovered that while sleeping it had been transformed into an identical mob of neurotic, banal, and ambition-less Eastern European males. —From Metamorphosis II: This Time, It’s Personal (sequel to The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka) Submitted by Angi Campbell, Writer, Washington

Holden Caulfield, divorced and with custody of his son, wished his teenager would just do his homework and stop mouthing off to him. —From The Catcher In the Rye: Reality Bites (sequel to The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger) Submitted by Jeremy Wagner, Struggling Novelist, Waukegan, IL

Now here are a couple I came up with:

After, Peeta whispered, “So, it’s an integer that has no integral factor but itself and 1. Real or not real?” I tell him, “Real.” — from The Prime Number Games (sequel to The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins)

When Edward grew a blood belly and Renesmee ran away from home thanks to being mocked for her ridiculous name, I started to rethink the whole immortality thing.
— from Blue Moon (sequel to the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer)

Okay, readers, here’s your chance to suck some time. Submit a first sentence for a non-existent sequel in the comments. Be sure to say what it’s the sequel of, and the author. Bonus points to anyone who comes up with one for The Scourge. Good luck!